This question might seem stupid. You’re probably thinking “Obviously Ted Williams! God what an idiot! This is such a stupid idea for a blog.” And you’d be right about two of those things.
I am an idiot. Look no further than my Twitter to figure that out.
This is a stupid idea for a blog. I don’t even want to read it and I’m writing it. The headline sucks too. But I’ve been asked to vacate my dorm for an hour or two and I don’t really feel like studying for my anthropology test.
But if you’ve made it this far congratulations, you might as well go all the way.
Because I said the other two things were correct, that means the Teddy Ballgame part was wrong. And currently? I stand by that. Where would we put Williams? Second base? A position he never played? Maybe catcher? Bad ideas. It’s not Babe Ruth either let me just get that out of the way.
But let’s look at positions we need help with:
Catcher. The Sox have three catchers on the team right now. In 10 years if I said the name Christian Vazquez to you your initial reaction would probably be “who?” and then, just like a Chris Sale slides, quickly glide into an “ohhh yeah. That catcher dude.” So I should pick a catcher then. That way we can upgrade the position. Varitek was a great catcher. Amazing defender, pretty solid hitter-especially for a catcher and he beat the shit out of ARod. He’s a pretty good idea. Wrong. Varitek is better than any catcher on the squad right now but he isn’t that much better that I’d use my one career resurrection on him. Doug Mirabelli would be really good. He can catch Steven Wright’s knuckleball. Ahhh but the Sox already havesomeone who is slated to catch for Wright…if he’s allowed to start again. It doesn’t make sense to have a knuck catcher if the knucker is a reliever. Carlton Fisk! He’s the best Red Sox catcher of all time! Remember his home run?! Yes yes yes. I honestly think this is a good option. But I can think of maybe 1 or 2 people who would be even better.
Let’s look at second base. One could argue that Dustin Pedroia is the best second baseman in Boston history and you’d probably be right. But he’s getting up there in age and more and more focused on bigfoot. Brock Holt could also see some time over there. This is a position the Red Sox should upgrade but I don’t think resurrecting the career of Bobby Doerr will improve it, especially considering resurrecting Pedey to his prime is an option (fuck you it’s my blog so it’s my rules) and he’s already on the team.
Closer! The Red Sox have had so many incredible closers we must be able to find one to resurrect to fill the empty spot we now have on the roster! Papelbon? No. Kimbrel? No. Bob Stanley? No. Wait did you say no to Kimbrel? Hell yeah I did! We already have the solution to the closer problem in house so we don’t need to bring anybody back to baseball. No, it’s not Nathan Eovaldi. I know a lot of people like that idea but we pay him starter money so he’s gonna play for starter money and that means starting. The solution is my boy DURBIN FELTMAN. I am so behind this kid being a stud closer when he gets called up. When he does get called up just DM me on Twitter or text me or something for my size and address if you want to send me a Durbin Feltman jersey that I can wear to his debut.
So then what? You just aren’t going to bring anybody back? This was all some big thing about this team being basically the same squad that won the most games in Red Sox history and won the World Series? I could have just tweeted that and it wouldn’t have been as fun. Even the greatest team in Red Sox history can improve. I mean… we did lose a couple games last year.
What happened in the World Series that really sparked a fire in the Red Sox? Chris Sale yelling that he would fuck everybody’s mothers if they didn’t kick it into high gear and start playing like a major league team. The Red Sox looked like they were going to lose a second World Series game and Sale forcefully undress the entire team and slapped some big boy pants on them with his words. Now Sale is expected to be a Cy Young candidate every year and I would never want to put the stress of hooting and hollering whenever the Red Sox are down in a game on his shoulders.
That’s why I’m going to call in some reinforcements that will surely help the Red Sox win most if not all of their games in 2019. That former player is none other than Jose Offerman. If you’re unfamiliar with 1990’s Red Sox players then Jose Offerman may be new to you. But you definitely know him as the guy who roundhouse kicked a catcher in the face.
This dude. Do you see that intensity? If that doesn’t do it for you, maybe this video of him punching an umpire in the face will tickle your fancy. The fire that this man brings to baseball fields and the fear that he could strike into the hearts of Red Sox players to encourage them to play better would be so influential that I am not convinced we wouldn’t go 162-0 if we hired Jose Offerman to literally do one thing and that thing being to scream and yell when the Sox are behind. You think David Ortiz smashing a phone in Baltimore was vicious? Jose Offerman eats broken phones for breakfast. You think that pitbull chained to a tree in the yard without any grass, it’s literally just dirt, down the street is tough? Jose Offerman will snarl that pitbull into a tutu.
Jose Offerman is the key to the Red Sox undefeated season.
