I’ll be honest. The US Open snuck up on me. I’ve been watching people like Dave Portnoy and Erik Anders Lang play Pebble as a US Open set up and it completely slipped my mind that this tournament was actually going to happen. Total brain fart. (P.S-petition to rename Braintree to Brainfart? Maybe?). But I haven’t watched any golf and haven’t looked at any leaderboards so this can still be a preview.
I’m FLABBERGASTED (what a fucking word. Hey Harvard, sup?) that I haven’t written about this yet. This is my favorite tournament of the year. Tiger won the Masters, by the way how awesome was that?, by shooting -13. Rory just won the RBC at -22, Patrick Cantlay won Jack’s tournament at Memorial by shooting -19. Why am I telling you this? Because we will not being seeing scores like this at the US Open. Last year, the superhero of golf Brooks Koepka won at +1.
I’m not what you would call a “member” at any course but if you’ve ever been a member at a course or are a member or have never played golf and are a stupid bozo who says golf is for people with goofy pants and fat asses
then I’ll tell you that club championship scores are usually somewhere from -2 to +6. And these are the scores that the USGA is going to get out of these professionals. The US Open makes people who have been practicing golf since they were in the womb look like someone who orders a water with no ice at a restaurant. Absolutely stupid and standing there with a warm cup of water that tastes like the fingers of a waiter who had to pick ice out of someone’s drink.
Professional golfers are going to look like real people. They usually look like regular people though to be tbh, just see Patrick Reed and Phil Mickelson, but now their scores will too.
Last year, they made the course so hard that Phil Mickelson thought it would be easier to hit a moving ball than a stationary ball. The conditions literally bundled his brain.
I CAN NOT WAIT TO WATCH UTTER CARNAGE RUIN THESE GOLFERS!!!!!!
At some point, some BBB (baby back bitch) like Webb Simpson or Zach Johnson or Bryson DeChambeau is going to go crying to the media that “the course is too hard wahhh my job is playing a game and doing what people sit at their desks and dream about doing wahhh” and Brandel Chamblee and Tim Rosaforte are going to come in and shit on them relentlessly. The course is not hard enough until Bryson DeChambeau is forced into a mental hospital because John Bodenhamer made the course too hard and his brain was melted into a puddle. Let’s lose the golf course:
(Video above is from the Open but still it applies to what we’re looking for)
I’m rooting for the course to win this year and transform functioning brains into brains that only care about tending rabbits.
But if I had to pick a player, I’d just say Koepka will probably win. He’s the World Number One and his only goal is to win majors…and he keeps winning them so why not? If he doesn win, he will be the first three peat US Ope winner since a dude named Willie Anderson, who was probably a doctor who liked to golf so he entered a couple tournaments and ended up winning, won three straight from 1903-1905.
Pebble Beach is the most beautiful course in the history of the world and I want carnage. I want the pins to be put on ridiculously stupid and laugh out loud difficult spots like Ridder on a Sunday. I want people screaming “rat farts” towards the heavens. Tears, high scores and carnage. The US Open.
Golf’s an easy game that’s just hard to play.
Anything But E 