It worked. It fucking worked. The tour’s wack ass format actually worked.
Justin Thomas, as we all know, began the week with a 2 stroke lead over Brooks Koepka. Giving a player 10 strokes at the beginning of the week sounds like a WICKED stupid idea but god damn it did it work.
Casual and hardcore golf fans alike really only give a shit about the first page of the leaderboard. Lucas Glover and DJ shot like 120 in the first two rounds so we all just ignored them. Well, all of us except Krista Glover. The two things she can’t ignore in the world are her Jack Daniels and how shitty Lucas is playing.
And the first page of the leaderboard was where all the action was. JT started at -10 and finished -13. And lost by 5 shots. The final round began with Koepka at -15, Scahuffele and McIlroy at -14, JT and Paul Casey at -11 and nobody else better than -6. It was a five man race and it was perfect.
Xander Schauffele padded his already impressive East Lake resume. In three years he has finished 1, T7, and 2. I’m gonna pick him to win every tournament until I die. He’s always in the mix. Masters, US Open, Open, PGA, Players, Valero Texas Open. If Schauffele is there he’s gonna be in the Top 10. And nobody is talking about him. They just say how wacky Matthew Wolff is and how Jordan Spieth stinks now and how pretty Koepka is. Put some respect on my man Xander’s name.
Brooks Koepka did that Brooks Koepka thing where he almost won the tournament and then remembered it wasn’t a major so he just started hitting balls into the trees in an attempt to Dude Perfect his way around the course. His Off Whites were pretty sick tho. It’s fashion bro.
JT never really stood a chance. He just suuuuucked the whole week. He might’ve hit a shot out of one of the fairways, shanked his way around the property and hit all his ten footers for bogey.
Rory did that thing he used to do in 2014 where he just turned tf up and decided to play better golf than everyone else. In 2016, Rory got a putting coach, whatever the hell that is, and since then has been a TERRIBLE putter. But. At the end of last year, he spoke to Brad Faxon, putting guru, again what the hell, and he had McIlroy in a more athletic, less technical position and now he’s one of the best putters on tour. I don’t have a crystal ball but after watching Rory just dust everyone to cap off his 3rd win of the season, I fully expect Rory to win a major next year.
This is Rory’s second Fed Ex Cup Championship. He and Tiger are the only people in history to win the Fed Ex Cup twice. Doesn’t that sound wicked impressive? Yeah it does. The only problem is this is the 13th edition of the Fed Ex Cup. Arnold Palmer has zero because he had zero opportunities to play in it. I don’t know. It sounds cool but it didn’t start until right before Tiger’s downfall.
The biggest story from this though is the payout. $15 million. Absolutely ridiculous. I would legit fight and injure several classrooms of children for $15 million and Rory got it for golfing. Damn. I’m gonna brag right here so bear with me. I shot -2 yesterday and I didn’t get any money. Rory gets $15 mil for shooting -4. This is bullshit. I’m not demanding $15 million from the PGA but a million would suffice. Again. I know I sound lame for saying that. But I’m just flexing on everybody. Sometimes you just gotta flex.
This was the best tournament since the Masters.
And on behalf of Anything But E, I’d like to say RIP to the people that got hit by the tree that got hit by lightning. Everybody is gonna be okay though. RIP.
Anything But E 