Do we really need high schools?

Today, the South Shore’s favorite hick town, Hanson, voted on a possible override regarding the school budget.

The extent of my knowledge on this is: it’s about schools and money, I think teachers wanted people to vote ‘yes’, and it doesn’t sound like it went well.

This got me thinking:

Do we really need high schools? I mean, think of the subjects. Math? I’m only 21 years old. I already know I will NEVER be required to do math ever again. You might be thinking-but, Murph…what about taxes? Buddy, what’d I just say? I’m not doing math so you bet your bottom dollar that I’m not doing taxes. If anybody tells the tax police on me, snitches get stitches.

Science? I tried being a chem major. That shit’s way too hard. America can just poach all the good scientists from Russia and Putin just like they did with Operation Paperclip. My little brother is in high school. Kid’s been walking around the last three days with only one (1) sock on his feet. Why? Because he got stung by a bee and needs a sock to hold down the band-aid. This kid can’t figure out he can still wear two socks. He’s not going to figure out Grignard reactions.

English? This one can stay. Everyone knows English teachers are batting 1.000 on being dope people.

History? 1. We’re always living history. 2. History teaches whack stuff like about Mesopotamia and Ur. Name one person who lived in Ur. I want any historian to name a single occupant of the city Ur. You can’t. Don’t care about Ur. Don’t care.

TV/Radio? (Legally, I’m required to say this is a fantastic subject and should be given MOST of the funding from the school. If I don’t, [insert TV/Radio teacher here] will stop forging payments and he’ll make me pay for the Hawaii trip myself.)

Spanish? I can go the rest of my life without going to Spain. The Taco Bell menu is in English. I can manage without knowing that ‘dormir’ is an o—>ue stem changer.

Health? JUST WEAR THE FUCKING MASK. There. There’s your health lesson for the year.

Business classes? These could be good if they were taught with anything resembling competence. But…

As you can see, most of high school is pretty dumb and really just gets in the way. Instead of waking up at 5:30 for first period to start at 7:05, kids could eat breakfast, shower in the morning, help out on the farm, tear down statues, eliminate the bureaucracy, drain the swamp, find the Loch Ness Monster and get the reward of ALL the gold in Scotland, or even pretend to read the newspaper just like their parents do in the morning so they can ignore everyone else in the house.

I’m not going to say DEFUND SCHOOLS! or ABOLISH THE SCHOOL SYSTEM! In this case, I think that might be a bit of stretch. It might work in other areas. I don’t know. I went to high school-I’m a dumb person.

I mean, elementary schools and middle schools are still important. It’s NECESSARY to learn who sucks at dodgeball and who eats glue and was, therefore, dropped on their head as a baby.

College is also important. There’s no better way to accumulate massive amounts of debt without a credit check. Is there a credit check, actually? I hope not, kinda ruins the joke.

If anybody is so inclined to say [insert Pawnee accent here] “But my child neeeeds high school. Otherwise they might be dumb enough to run for public office.” Fair. I will fall on the sword for everybody.

I will combine the schools. For a yearly “tuition” of $20k per “student”, I will throw dodgeballs at your child while they watch Khan Academy videos on YouTube. This way, they learn how to find the area of a triangle, find themselves in debt, and make the switch to contacts after their glasses break too many times.

You can email Patrick Brown with any SERIOUS inquiries.

Still don’t care about Ur.