High school graduation quotes and New Year’s resolutions. The time from the end of May and beginning of June and then the first week of January. These are the times of year when we find out who is prepared to ruin your day with an IG story.
Nobody gives a shit about your graduation quote-especially if it’s in the form of “The Office. Season 3. Episode 8. 14:09”. Don’t make me go through Netflix just so I can see some bullshit like “That’s what she said.”
In similar fashion, nobody gives a shit about what your New Year’s resolution is. Nobody. And you won’t care what is is on January 18th.
With that being said, here are some actually attainable resolutions. None of that “I’m going to the gym” or “I’m gonna read the Bible” and other completely unrealistic and fairly impossible goals.
Eat a PB&J (chicken tender optional)
This one’s easy. You either love peanut butter and jelly or you haven’t had one in too long and need a reminder of how good these sandwiches are. Either way, you’re gonna like it and it’s easy to do. If you have a peanut allergy, keep that epipen near by.
Write a blog
Check. My year’s done now.
Have a birthday
The phrase “not killing yourself” felt too dark and you may or may not enjoy your birthday. If you were born February 29th, I guess you just gotta take this year off-it’s not for you.
Trade for a starting pitcher and maybe even a competent closer
Do it, Chaim. Do it for the kids. C’mon. Please.
Do drugs
We all get headaches. It’s hard for everyone to wake up. Pop some pills (Advil or Tylenol, whichever you prefer or some melatonin at night). Sip some dark stuff or some bubbly (I’m more of a Red Bull guy but I’ve hear coffee works).
Put on deoderant
Some of you have forgotten since you’ve been in your house since St. Patrick’s Day. The vaccine is rolling out and people are going to start escaping their homey caverns soon enough. Don’t forget deoderant when you do go out.
Wash the conditioner out of your hair
This is a personal one and a biweekly problem I face. I’ll put the conditioner in and then forget about it and eave the shower. It’s a great way to be put in a horrendous mood at 10:30 am but, this year, we’re washing the conditioner out of our hair.
Put ketchup on your steak
Did that idea scare you? Coward. Guess I’m just way cooler than you and could definitely beat you in a fight.
Figure out what dark matter actually is
I mean, 85% of the universe is this stuff and science has no idea what it is. It’s just spaces of the universe that interact with gravity but isn’t visible in any way. Is gravity even real? Did Newton even get it right? Is his theoy even the most correct or is Aristotle’s theory more correct? Maybe things have a natural place and are being pulled to that? One of you figure it out and tell me because it’s kind of terrifying. Maybe the dark matter is God. Also, look at the ocean more. I guess we know like zero about the ocean and then people still go swimming in it and take boats out there. Let’s stop fucking with the ocean and space until we figure that shit out.
Find a new musician you like
I mean, all of us here have already got ours (listen to the newest podcast to hear us attempt to ruin our Spotify algorithms).
I mean, is gravity even real? Sure, Newton’s theory fits all of the experiments and new theories and such since he proposed his idea, but what if that’s just coincidence. What if we’re wildly wrong about gravity? What if there’s a day someone builds a new Hadron collider type machine based off Newton’s gravity theory and it accidentally opens up a black hole on Earth? None of us would even know. Everything would just cease to exist without even a hint of a notice. It would just be gone. What if we’re already dead? This can’t be heaven because pandemic. I always imagined hell being worse. Is this purgatory? None of us would know if a black hole just popped up. Everything-light, air, any reminensce of life-would be rmoved from, not just the planet or galaxy, but existence. What even are worm holes? One day the sun is gonna explode and nothing will matter.
Make sure you have a birthday this year. I don’t know what age you’re gonna be but I’m sure it’s gonna be great.
Finally: get more money
Rob people. Keep your job. Get a cool new job. Steal from a bank. Start a pyramid scheme. Pretend to be a charity. Money is dumb and lame and I hate it but I guess it’s necessary or whatever and having more of it is probably fun. Screw breaking into Area 51. Why don’t we all attack Bezos and his house? Does anyone actually like that guy? If you have $200 billion, are you able to have friends or just alive girls?
Sidenote: anyone whose resolution is “find a new hobby” is either a soon to be serial killer and “a new hobby” is a euphemism for “slaughter my neighbors” or they are a fool. What’s wrong with your current hobbies? Aren’t hobbies the things you like to do? How many things do you need to like to do? Like 4? Just get good at those. Put down Duolingo. Put down the guitar. Try to be better at Jeopardy or napping or whatever your hobby is.
Anything But E 